Day 74 – Blast 2

The first blast and 3 week period is over.. in for blast 2 today. So far so good. No major reaction.. so fingers crossed.

After been told about all the potential different side affects and reactions that I could possible have from the blast of chemo. I spent the first week, waking up each morning and doing a body check from head to toe before getting out of bed.

• How’s my mouth? Any ulcers?
• How’s my skin? Dry? Rashes?
• Am I nauseous?
• How are the bowel movements?
• Am I more irritated (or irritating dependent on who you talk to) than normal (as I have a carte blanche on being irritable allegedly.. poor Anna!!).
• How’s my hair? All there as won’t start to fall out until Day 12-16..
• Any aches and pains?
• Have I taken my pills?? More importantly have I taken the right ones?
• Daily morning check list.

So the first few days were fine, even managed to go to The Chameleon’s 20th Birthday celebrations on the Thursday (day 4 after chemo) and had a great catch-up with very dear, old, old friends (in length of service not age of course!!)! So all was looking good.

Then Friday evening came and I was hit by the aches and pains from the Neurolasta injection on the previous Tuesday. Amazing really, all in exactly the spots they said – thighs; lower back; upper back; and chest. They lasted until Sunday evening and it has to be said, they floored me. It’s like being hit by the worst flu ever.. no nose or chest problems, just the aches and pains.

To top it all off, I was hit by pretty bad runs too that weekend… Runs are something I’m familiar with having lived in Nicaragua for a year. So didn’t worry me too much. But I was lucky! I had the best nurse ever in Anna, who also took over the reins on the phones/emails..

Day 7/10 after the blast of chemo is allegedly your lowest point from an immune perspective; so we laid low those days to avoid picking up any infection.

Laying low is all well and good, but I have gained so much weight since all this started. My body doesn’t know what’s going on. Before when working 16/18 hour days in Lolas, I could eat and drink whatever I liked – loads of chocolate too. So unfortunately, my body is now used to that chocolate fix, etc. But seeing as I’m not running around the restaurant in the evenings, the exercise level has dropped and the weight is piling on. I’m told to let it pile on as if I should get hit by an infection, I’ll have reserves.. Jaysus! I have plenty of reserves, a whole 8 kilos (1.5 stone) since starting… Anna is being driven a bit nuts as she goes to find a pair of jeans to wear and discovers I’m wearing them as I can’t fit into my own!

I’ve been slightly amused too; finding myself looking at my body profile in the mirror and rubbing my quite large belly.. Never had one so large before so it’s a new departure for me. Even heard an interview on the radio for a new book of recipes for chemo patients as they tend to lose so much weight.. I must be the anomaly.

On that note, we started to think did they had given me a placebo or something as I was so lucky.. energy levels relatively fine; no sore mouth etc. When I got the pains and runs (then later with the hair loss); my Mum said a funny thing on the phone; her mate had said “Jesus! At least we know it’s working!” which is what we were thinking too.

We’ve been juicing lots and eating healthy (well majority of the time).. Thankfully kale; spinach; avocados and all that jazz are some of my favourite foods.. just hope I don’t end up hating them by the end of this!!

I’m getting all fancy now and including images!

Fab homemade juices

Delish dinner.. lots of kale and spinach

Hair Loss

The hair loss started on cue on the Monday (Day 14 after the chemo). How to phrase this, let’s just say it didn’t start on my head, face or legs.

It’s funny, English is one of the worst languages for words to describe a woman’s nether regions (one such ridiculous phrase). I could list all the possible words we have, but may offend one or two. So will refrain. But think about it. Amongst friends, it’s not so bad. But publicly? We really have very few that don’t make you feel like your referring to something horrible; instead of a place that can give great pleasure and also birth to your fantastic kids! So why is English so bad at it? Is it because, culturally, us Irish & English just don’t like to talk or share anything to do with our bodily functions, let alone sex lives!?! Who knows. The Spanish have an endless list of words; my favrourites being chichi or kiwi. So I’m sticking with the Spanish.

So after that wee rant; that’s where it started. On Tuesday, the hair on my head started to fall out – slowly, but enough to know it was going. Wednesday (the ever important day 16), it was leaving quite a bit. So much so, I just relaxed watching tv and ran my hands through my hair to collect it as better than having to collect it all around the house. The result is below… a nice bowl of hair…

So I texted my hero Dylan to say it was time to shave.. he had me in and sorted at 10am the next day. He was fab as always. I wasn’t all gone; but I looked like a maingy dog.. so best to get it all off.

He brought me to the celebrity suite.. I was looking for my champagne and strawberries!! Joking of course. But we started with a blade 4.. then moved to blade 1.. I have a shadow in certain parts as the rest of the hair will fall out after this blast.. but it wasn’t so hard to take as my hair was already so short.. but jesus! Your head and back of neck does get so cold!!!

I don’t think our customers are ready for the shaved look, so I have a wig, which I donned for work on Friday for the first time. It took a while to get used to as had to keep loosening it until I got it just right (as was like my head was in a vice grips at the beginning). But things I learnt I have to look out for are hugs.. I never realised how much we hug our customers. But at the moment, if it’s a big bear hug; I feel the wig rising.. That would be lovely; “Eh, madame I think there’s a rug in my food!”.

I spent Friday & Saturday admiring the baldy men in for dinner, so tempted to ask them what razor they use; etc.. do they oil their scalps to have them so shiny? It was hilarious. But then Piaras and Ado were in Saturday, so I got lots of tips..

Funny how it’s just fine for men to wear the bald look; but for a woman; it’s considered pure sign of illness.

We were meant to decorate the restaurant last Sunday morning, but had to postpone as we had a visit Saturday night from some great friends – even fab Ash all the way from New York! So needless to say, it was a late one.. but fantastic to catch-up and a form of medicine in its own way. Lots of dancing to old tunes and singing at the top of our voices! I say no more! Medicinal!!

So in again today, had a reminder that it’s so important to avoid infection; Mum’s friend (who is undergoing chemo) was knocked out for 12 days with a flu these last few weeks.. so a gentle reminder!

Anna came in this morning with me; but my darling mother came in to. Jesus! She knows how to make me laugh! My uncle was on Brendan O’Connor over the weekend talking about his new book. I missed it, but allegedly a lot of people I know didn’t. So my darling mother arrives in and proudly takes out the book, “10 things that happen when you die“.

Right, I’ve read all my uncle’s books and found them an amazing read. But I mentioned to Mum it may not be appropriate reading material in a chemo ward. I know we shouldn’t, but it sent us into a fit of nervous giggles. The small things in life.

Then I noticed that a wee reminder note my mum had left for Anna to call someone was written on the back of an Irish Cancer Society flyer!!! Mum has subsequently been barred from the ward, unless we have a bag check before she comes in!

So what lies ahead? Allegedly I may get more fatigued as the chemo moves on; being irritable is also defo and slight memory loss, as in why did I come to the fridge (which could be a good thing)? Or forgetting you told people things.. which I do anyhow so poor Anna will have to back me up big time on that front!

I have noticed it with reservations; I’ve sent a mail to someone who has called me 5 minutes later and I can’t remember the mail and have to pull it up… Maybe a slight bit more dithery than usual!

There will be more hair loss; the eyebrows and lashes may go and the aches from the Neurolasta may be stronger, but should happen on the same number of days after the injection. So we can postpone it to Thursday, which means pains won’t kick in until Sunday / Monday. So Friday and Saturday all good for working. Woohoo.

But we can start making plans.. when to get back to Spain; maybe get away in January for a few days while the restaurant is closed and before the radiotherapy starts. So lots of things to look forward to.

So fingers crossed for the next couple of weeks. By the way, did I say I love you all? Well I do! Thanks for all the lovely comments on Facebook.. quite often giving me a great belly laugh.

A special note to Keith.. we bumped into him in the shop one evening where I was having a melt down as they had no Revels. Not a major melt down; but all I wanted was Revels. We came out this morning to head for chemo and there, pinned to the door, was a MASSIVE bag of Revels… I love you! My waistline doesn’t but I do!!!

PS I’m writing this while the drugs are being administered, so please excuse any typos or strange uses of English!!

Day 54 – First chemo over

Day 53 saw my first dose of chemo.. the run up to it is simply list after list – list of drugs to take, where and when; list of things to do beforehand – most advised by friends; list of things to do afterwards… and on and on..

We met last Friday (Day 50) with an oncology nurse to run through what is to be expected when undergoing treatment. Most things we had covered off already before with my Oncologist, some things with friends in the same boat. But there were a couple of moments that Anna and myself had to avoid catching each other’s eyes.

You see they have a leaflet they need to get through that covers all areas from nausea to hair loss; fatigue to bladder / kidney problems; of course constipation / diarrhoea. The list goes on. But, did you know?

1. Fertility – this could be an issue – well we had come across that as an issue a while back and it looks like I would be 47 (after all drugs finished – 41 now btw!) before the real chance of becoming pregnant is an option – that’s if periods come back, etc. The ideal would have been to freeze my eggs before chemo started, but unless they had an emergency egg freeze department that would do it before Monday (and I was mid-cycle, etc, etc), that option was out. We did try to get the nurse to move on, but she lingered a bit over this one.. I was going to joke about Anna being primed now, but I didn’t think this was the right time to as the nurse didn’t seem like the type to take jokes.
2. Toilet facilities – yes you read right! Allegedly for 4-5 days after having chemo you should flush the toilet twice and clean the seat with antibacterial wipes. It’s for other users allegedly – something to do with your pee and poo still carrying the drugs. We didn’t ask further as was so off the wall. All I could think was I’d be in our archaic toilets at home for at least 20mins each time I peed to wait for it to refill to flush a 2nd time (which now is the case!). Also didn’t help that went to check out wigs the afternoon after treatment yesterday and it was an old house with even older toilet system than ours, so I slipped back in on way out to flush again just in case!!
3. Sexuality – now this is certainly where Anna and myself couldn’t look at each other for fear of cracking up laughing. The poor woman said “Now sexuality..” looked at us and decided to move on (not linger like at the fertility moment) just that we could simply read about it in the leaflet. I was about to ask, “Jesus! Would this turn me straight as if so, I’m not doing it!’ But it was more about your libido – for some it increases for others less… let’s wait and see. At least I won’t be turned as the saying goes! But maybe if they called it “sex-drive’ or something as opposed to “sexuality” it would cause less confusion!
4. Taste buds may be affected – ah now! My food delights affected?!? Carol had told me she had a metallic taste in her mouth – kept sending back Guinness saying they didn’t taste right – I believe Pineapple is a great help. So since I heard this, we’ve been out over the weekend to sample a few Guinness and eat some of my favourite things – just in case! And pineapple is making a major appearance in my daily diet.

We were then given the list of drugs that I’ll be taking over the coming weeks – it was a lot to take in. But in fairness to them, they give you a well typed out list that you can stick to your fridge to remind yourself of what to take and when (I hate anything stuck on fridges, but there’s always a first time).

I was hoping for a great kick from the steroids when I started taking them on Sunday – but to no avail. Someone did hint that I may have developed a high intolerance to drugs over the years so they may not have the same affect.. but on another level, I am still running around today after the last 24 hrs of events and not floored, so that must be a good thing!

List of things to do before chemo:

1. Have hair cut – well you know from last post Dylan took care of that.
2. Get the teeth cleaned – done last Friday.But now can have them whitened when this is all over as off the cigarettes – a silver lining!
3. Get your nails done – done Saturday morning (with what little nails I had). Allegedly your nails could get very brittle and even fall out (on rare occasions) so you’re advised to paint them – from one lovely source, you should paint them a dark colour – from the oncology nurse, she suggested clear as you can see if you’re developing anything underneath – so clear I went.
4. Do a bit of wig browsing – more of that later.
5. Eat and drink to your merry contentment, just in case the taste buds should fail me! DONE. And also not advised so much while under treatment – the alcohol that is – eating yes!!
6. Borrow juicer from parents to become health freak and buy loads of ingredients to juice – done.
7. Sort office and filing so can start with clean slate – NOT DONE – but will always be included on a list somewhere.
8. Finish backing-up and sorting laptops from previous week’s fiasco – nearly there. But don’t get me started on Bank of Ireland Business Online and Macs… a fiasco.

Wig shopping

I’ve been told it’s a given that my hair will go, so I decided to do a bit of wig shopping last Saturday, just to get the ball rolling – see what’s out there. Also I found myself outside one of the shops so decided to go in. I was on my own and like a child outside. I walked up and down a few times, wondering whether to go in or wait until I had either Anna, Mum or Dylan by my side. It was a strange feeling and I was a slight bit perplexed about it, which I didn’t expect. Anyway, in I went and they told me I had to have an appointment so I made one for Saturday just gone.

According to the woman, they deal with patients for all sorts of reasons – whether cancer; alopechia, or simply hair pieces; etc. So all set for the Saturday appointment.

Wait for the rant…. Let’s just put it simply, the girl who looked after me on Saturday should not be let anywhere near a customer, whether in a wig shop dealing with allegedly “sensitive human beings” or a supermarket checkout packing bags – I was pretty furious about it. To the point of storming out, but thought I needed to get as much info as possible as I knew there were other options in the city, but best to get as much out of these guys – which was basically feck-all and delivered in the most cold, uncompassionate, uninformed manner I have ever come across. Words just failed me. All I kept thinking was what about the women who are really struggling with losing their hair and this is who they come across in their time of need. JESUS!

So it wasn’t a very successful day for wigs, but we had another place to try, which we did yesterday straight after chemo..

Now my view is wigs are not really my thing – I know I’ll need them for work as it’s easier on the eye for a customer to be served by someone with hair than with a bandana or scarf. But to be honest, outside of work, it’ll be hats and more hats (as I do love any excuse to wear a hat and this is a perfect excuse). So the wig was important to me, but more so from a customer perspective. Also (as of today who knows how it will change when I start to lose my hair), I think it’s not so hard a jump for me to go to no hair from the length of hair I have being so short – it must be far more difficult for someone with beautiful long locks. Now the eyebrows may be another thing as they are so specific to each person and shape a persons face and expressions, but we’ll wait and see..

Anyway, we walked into the 2nd wig shop yesterday and it was like chalk and cheese. The woman couldn’t have been nicer and more professional – full of warmth and a big smile – knew what she was talking about. We walked in at 3.45pm and said we had no appointment, but could she fit us in – she had a 4pm appointment, but said let’s get started and if needs be we can come back again another day. By 4.10pm, we were walking out of the place with wigs; kit; a couple of hats all in place and happy campers. They offer all sorts of pre-care and after-care services included in the price of the wig – which she gave me details on as her next appointment was there – and she told me all about claiming it back on insurance – which I had an idea of, but now know I can – a mine of info and SO helpful. In 25mins were were sorted.

And the wig? Well you’ll have to wait and see – it couldn’t be closer to what I have today – just needs a little adjusting from my dearest Dylan and then ready to go whenever hair loss occurs.

Day 53 first chemo

It was a 7pm rise yesterday for my first blast of chemo as I had to take my steroids – but all set as we had made a load of juices the night before so I don’t think I’ve ever breakfasted so well as I did yesterday in a long time!

Off we went to the hospital. 9am check-in and I was told bed No. 2 and Nurse M would be looking after me for the day. So off I went. As we walked through the unit I was surprised at the number of beds – I didn’t count – must do next time – but I reckon about 20-30 beds. What hit me later is that (in restaurant terms) they were turning some of them twice, a lot of people on one day for treatment and of all ages and sex too.

The initial time is spent running through their questionnaire a lot of which didn’t pertain to me as it was my first dose, but for later ones would – for example about any symptoms, etc that may have occurred. Oh and getting the works put into my arm.

I didn’t have to do bloods yesterday as did them last Friday when in with the nurse. I had to laugh though as we came across a vintage Image magazine in the bloods department from April 2009. My Mum was so tickled pink that she and my aunt have now brought in newer magazines for the department to leave in the waiting area. How sweet is that!

I met a friend of my mother’s who was in so we had a chat and kept checking in on each other throughout the day. She received good news that day from a scan which was great, but as always, she said the waiting was horrific. It seems it’s the same for everyone – the waiting – waiting for an appointment; waiting for results; etc; etc. It’s sometimes the hardest part.

We also saw a few customers from Lola’s too – both patients and nurses / doctors.

I was told I’d have to have a CT abdominal scan – just to make sure nothing else lingering (the results came back today and all fine!!). So first things first was to drink a litre of this putrid aniseed / orange cordial “stuff” that would light up my insides for the scan. All done and dusted by 12pm. Although if I had known I’d have to be stripping I would have worn a better bra as the fashion selection for yesterday was comfies!!

So it was after lunch before the actual treatment started. Usually the administering of it would take 1.5hrs, but seeing as it was my first time, they do it slower, just to make sure I didn’t react in a bad way to it. Thankfully, my system held-up and we got through it without any incident.

This was when we spent time trying to finish setting up the crazy new iPhones we have and sort through a zillion emails. Time well spent, but at this stage I was getting drowsy and realised it was probably a better idea to avoid emails, etc on the day as had to check through everything I did today to make sure all correct!

We were told of all the sorts of symptoms again that may occur before leaving. It’s gas, if someone tells you that you might experience something, it’s very hard not to question each little tingle. Anyway, so far so good. Last night I had a but of cramping in my hands and feet, but nothing major. This morning, woke up and all fine. I keep checking myself wondering do I feel any different, but so far so good.

I have to administer an injection within 24-72 hours after finishing the chemo. It’s called Neulasta and is to boost the redevelopment of the white cells that the chemo kills off – this helps to prevent catching infections; but also makes sure you’re ready for your next bout too.

They send a nurse out after your first dose who arrived to the house today – lovely woman. The plan is that she’d administer the first one and show me how and I’d do the following ones. I just thought let me do it now as then I know I won’t chicken out the next time round. So now I can add self-injection to my list of things done.

She ran through all the potential side effects – again it’s trying to take it all in, but basically sounds like shite flu-like symptoms with aches and pains. But, the side effects won’t start until 6 hours after the injection (that’s if you get any) and may not appear for at least 5-7 days after the injection. BUT when they do appear they’ll only last for 3-4 days. NOW on top of that, if I do react, I can practically time the reaction to the hour for the next time I take it. did you get all that? Have you mapped it out for the next week or so? I had to practically write it down into my diary! Mad!

I’m like a ticking bomb waiting for symptoms to happen! I went to bed last night and wondered would I wake up feeling any different – I didn’t thank god, but had mad dreams. Spent the day today wondering about other potential symptoms and just decided after the nurse’s visit that I need to block these out of my mind and just get on with things as if you were to wait for these to happen (and they may never), you’d be left being a pretty bored human being. Hope I’m not jinxing it now!!

So it was back to work this morning – back to the office – mails / messages / reservations / back-up!! Carol has warned me of chemo brain that may occur, which basically means double checking reservations – which can be a pain in the arse.. so apologies now to anyone out there in case I make a mistake!!

That’s as far as the update goes for today, I’m off to eat something fab that Anna has prepared for dinner – it’s been so long since we’ve actually cooked at home as we’ve been 24/7 in Lola’s so that is also a great silver lining to the saga (although my weight is creeping upwards!).

One not so fab thing Anna has prepared for me is mushroom juice – yes you’ve heard it here! All the way from China no less – we received the pack of dried mushrooms last week. Basically Anna’s aunt was looking after a woman with cancer in Spain who swears by these – great for energy and boosting your immune system. They’re called Agaricus blazei murrill – look them up – you can get them in capsule form, but dried to make “tea” is allegedly better. I’ll try anything, so 3 glasses of it a day.. Along with the rest of the fab juices we’ve been making, it’ll be hard to tell which does the job but might as well throw everything at it.

I’ll keep you posted of any new developments – hopefully there won’t be too many that develop! Back to a bit of Netflix! Best invention ever!

Big kiss to you all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Day 46 – A wee update

It’s been a while, but we had been waiting for results. The wait time is painful it has to be said. After receiving the great news that it was all out on the 3rd October and I was basically “cancer free”, we were told it would be about another 2 weeks for the oncotyping to come back and to find out whether I would need chemo or not.

Well the 2 weeks was a bit of a slow one and a longer one than expected. I received a call one week into it looking for me to sign some forms before sending off my sample to the States for testing.. so it would be a longer wait. 20 days to be precise.

The results came in last Thursday – Day 42. And yes, chemo is on the cards. But what a 24hr period. I received a call the day before to ask me to come in at 8.30am in the morning to meet with my Oncologist (who we hadn’t met yet). It straight away didn’t bode well with me as I’m very suspicious of calls the day before for early appointments the following day. So it was on my mind all day.

Anyway, off to work we went, running as usual. That night we arrived home to find we’d been broken into. Two laptops gone; one handbag (bought in Barcelona the previous week); duty free cigarettes; 6 year old packs of rolling tobacco (I hope they choke on them); and our UPC remote control (feckers).

But more importantly, Paddy (the pug) was ok. I literally took the steps from the hall into the kitchen in one leap and there he was fast asleep in his bed. Thank God he’s no guard dog which is probably why they left him alone. He probably followed them around the house looking for a belly rub. But also thank God they didn’t take him. Although we were thinking if they had left the front door open, he probably would have made his way direct to the restaurant as his favourite place (obviously for the food!).

So the following morning was the usual mayhem. Sebastian & Helena came to collect Paddy at 7.30am as we didn’t want to leave him in the house alone while we went to my appointment. Which meant we arrived a little late too.

I had checked out Ms C (as we’ll call my oncologist) a little bit online and was impressed by what I saw, from the articles she’s written and the interviews she’s done. She’s young (around my age!!!!) and very straight to the point which I love.

It’s funny the things you think of. Gone are the days when I used to visit doctors and surgeons and they were older than me. Now they’re around my age and I think, “they’re young (ahem) around my age”. Then I laugh and think, maybe I’m not so young after all. But then again, I have great faith in my generation so that gives me comfort.

So we sit down and apologise for being late explaining about our ordeal the night before, which I follow with “So I hope you’ve good news for us!”. Anyway, Ms C runs through the usual questions (as we haven’t met before).

• Do I exercise? I asked whether working 24/7 in Lola’s would suffice, which she wrote down as “stress”, which I said wasn’t stress more a love of what you do but physical too.
• Do I smoke? I said giving up.. have electronic cigarette and plan was to quit when I knew treatment. She asked how many a day, I said 10 maybe, she wrote 20.
• How much alcohol do I consume in a week? This was a difficult one, I quietly asked how many units in a glass of wine? 1? Then around 12 a week – she wrote down 20 I think!
• So the questions went on.. Then to the results

Oncotyping comes back as a score for the potential of recurrence from 1-100. 30+ is high risk; 20-29 is intermediate; and 19 below is low risk. I came in at 29, which basically means yes to chemo.

It wasn’t what we wanted to hear, but she was very calm, asking if we wanted to go on. As always, I said I wanted to know everything. So the breakdown is like this:

• 4 IV blasts every 3 weeks – half a day blast each time.
• The first 3 week period is when I’ll discover how I react to the treatment and they’ll treat me accordingly – once we know that – the following 3 week periods will usually be the same reaction.
• I will be menopausal – so hot flushes and a good excuse for being moody.
• I will lose my hair within the first 3 week period (but she says I’ve lovely thick hair which bodes well for growing back!).
• I’m to “cut down” on my alcohol intake and smoking – don’t worry; it’s being cut out completely, but I liked her style “cut right back”.
• A 3 week break after the chemo; then 5 weeks of radiotherapy – a blast each day Monday to Friday for 5 weeks.

It was a lot to take in, when she asked if we had any questions, I again “wondered aloud” about whether we could start straight away so we could be finished before the year is out as we had planned to take some time off in early January.

I know you must all be saying to yourselves is the January time off so important, can’t you take it later? It’s just something that we work to all year round, knowing we’ll have two weeks to spend together, maybe get some sunshine or whatever. But it’s something you hold dear when working 24/7. It’s like Bank Holiday Mondays, they’re sacrilegious for us as we close those days too.

But her view was start as soon as possible – I’m going private which means we’d be Mondays (which is great), so it could be next week starting. She asked whether we had any more questions, I was a little stumped at that point – asked the usual about nausea, etc which she said they’ll treat all symptoms as and when the arise. But that they will work closely with me throughout, which is great to hear.

We kind of left on the run as we knew we had to head to buy laptops to get ourselves up and running again in time for reservations, etc.. so it was all a bit mental. We left the hospital chasing into town to only receive a call from forensics who wanted to fingerprint the house.. all we needed. So the rest of the day was spent chasing all over the city for the cops; laptops; and the rest. It was a bit mental to say the least.

Thankfully, our guardian Lola angel (Lori) came to the rescue and offered to cover the restaurant for the night so we went out for dinner for a bit of catch-up and planning.

It’s so important to stay positive and my usual way to handle things is with a bit of humour. I had fun texts with Carol about the hair loss; yes it’s everywhere so will save some money on razors and bikini lines; Cailin, my gorgeous niece, is going to give me lessons on eye make-up; and Dylan, a great friend (and hair stylist as that’s what my hair needs is a stylist on any given day), has offered to go wig shopping with me and do whatever needs to be done. But most people have been joking about me sporting the Sinead O’Connor look, which over the years has worked in my favour with free Champagne and cocktails in a night club in New York to name one such occasion!

But for anyone going through this or knows anyone going through this, I have to be honest. Finding out about having breast cancer and having the op was one thing. I just handled it and got on with it. But finding out I had to do chemo, really hit me. It’s like the first time I realised I have cancer. Then I had to remind myself that I had it! From talking to other women who have gone through the same, they have said the same. The chemo was what hit them most and made it more a reality than anything else.

It’s really strange, I know different strokes for different folk. But even though I know it’s all gone and been taken away, the chemo just hit me hard. I basically had a complete melt down yesterday. First melt down in my life. I suppose it was to be expected and I’m writing about it as I know there are a few people following this who are going through the same thing. And it’s important to know, you’ll have a melt down, but you’ll get over it. And when the melt down happens, embrace it. Sob and let it all out as better than bottling it all up.

Today is a new day, the treatment is in place, the cancer is gone and in 6 months time it will all be behind us. Now I have an excuse to go wild with wigs and scarves. On the latter, I must do some practice as it’s been a while since I’ve worn scarves or bandanas (back in the days when I had dreadlocks!).

I know I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again. I have never felt so loved as I have done throughout this whole journey. The support from family and friends has just been overwhelming. You’re all fab. And keep it up. If you know of anyone else out there going through something similar, that little post on Facebook, or that wee text you send, or the voice mail you leave, they mean a lot! They may not (or I may not) always respond, but we got it!

So off to get our lives back in order.. a piece of advice.. back-up and back-up on a daily basis! Our laptops were a month behind on back-up so quite some catching up to do. I’m also going to do some more learning about cloud storage and all that jazz! Pain in the arse to say the least. But it will certainly keep me occupied over the coming weeks.

I’ll keep you posted as and when the treatment starts. Off now to scream one of our girls in work over the finishing line of the Dublin Marathon! Does watching someone do it suffice as exercise?

 

 

 

 

Day 22 – results of op

All is good – I’m a lucky woman. First and foremost I can say “I had breast cancer”. That’s a major plus. After hearing the results today, it was the only real question I had. “Can I say “I had” at this point?”

Mr C took no time at all this morning to say the results are good. They’ve taken it all out, I have N0 – which means the nodes are all good. So I’m a lucky woman.

The tumour itself ended up being a 2.5cm one as opposed to a 1.3cm as originally thought – so it was a big enough fella, but they took a large enough margin to ensure it’s all out (which I could see somewhat today on the surface when they removed the paper sutures).

As it is Grade 2 and 2.5cm, they do send it off to the States for oncotyping (in layman terms a gene test on the cancer – this is now a norm following the Taylor X trials). This decides the % chance of recurrence – dependent on what category you fall into decides whether you need chemo or not – these results won’t be back for another 2 weeks, so some more waiting.

In the meantime, if chemo is off the cards, I start radiotherapy after Christmas and on to the hormone treatment (basically a pill each day for 5 years). Based on my age – and 5 years time – the likelihood of kids is minimal, so we’ll have to start priming Anna!! Before you all jump in – we are looking at freezing eggs, but all that’s for another day.

Today, it’s basically about the good news that it’s out. Just a little bit peeved having to wait another 2 weeks as I’m a woman who likes to plan. All this waiting drives me nuts. But an appointment will be made with my oncologist for 2 weeks time and then we can start putting plans in place around the treatment.

It’s quite incredible really – in just 22 days I went from having breast cancer to not having breast cancer. It all seems quite surreal to be honest.

But most important is, “I had breast cancer”.

Day 20 – 1st October

It’s quite incredible to believe it’s already the 1^st October – before we know it, we’ll be talking 2015. I also couldn’t quite believe that it’s been 20 days since we first found out about my darling breast.

Since my last update, we’ve been taking it pretty easy what with Anna on her antibiotics and me with my stitches. Been a bit of a rollercoaster to be honest – with the emotive scale running from high to low quite a bit. Hence I haven’t really updated the blog.

We did have last Monday off as a day of rest, so ended up out for a spontaneous lunch in La Maison with my parents – a small way to say thanks to Anna, Mum and Dad for all their support. A very nice way to have some delicious food and wine (any excuse!).

I did also have a sneaky pint with Sebastian, Elena and Paddy (the pug that is) on Sunday evening. Gotta love the sneaky pint, but didn’t last long has to be said. The heat in the pub was too much – started to itch like mad. But nice to get out of the house for a while.

Anna and myself are doing a weight transfer by osmosis diet at the moment. Anna lost 3 kilos whilst in the midst of her throat infection and I’ve gained that and more from sitting around all day on Lola’s phones / emails or watching Netflix by night. Looking forward to being more physically active again!

From a mend perspective, all has been good. The main grump has been under my arm – I’ve got a kind of friction burn from the bandage which has been killing me and basically quite uncomfortable, but all good. It’s a catch-22 situation – not very comfortable walking around without a bra and not comfortable wearing one at the moment. So trying a mix of fitted string tops and loose fitted t-shirts. I look very fetching to say the least!

Also not used to the fact that I can’t remove any unwanted hair, so not enjoying the “German hippie” look at all on one side.

Apologies Chrissy, you know we’ve had this conversation before – not really a slight on German hippies, just something we’ve grown up with as a way to describe hair growth where we wouldn’t really normally want it – especially the arm pits! Hope I don’t get backlash now from my German friends!! Allegedly the Spanish refer to themselves as looking like the French when they have unwanted hair on their bodies – so obviously depends what country you come from – I wonder do any other them refer to themselves as looking like the Irish!??! Maybe after a night on the town?

Called the nurse on Monday to find out the best solution for under my arm as we’ve removed the bandage and are now left with the outer sutures – Sudocrem is your man allegedly. Can’t beat good old Sudocrem (well you can if you want to wear clothes after putting it on!). Anyway, it’s soothing it somewhat. But Nurse C also recommended we take off the bandage on my breast. So we did that yesterday.

From the “small incision” chat the admittance doctor had with me on the day of the op, to the long incision running right across the full width of my breast (from what I can see under the paper sutures).. There’s a bit of a difference. But to be honest – can’t really see it as of yet, but can only imagine it and sure if it’s what they needed to take to take it all – fine by me.

Our appointment for results on Friday was at 10am – just received a call to move it to 9.40am. Brings back memories of my last appointment or basically first appointment Day 1.. But Mr C has to be somewhere later that day so they’ve moved it by 20mins. They’re worse than we are with our bookings – every minute counts (for our customers, don’t know if they feel that way re the patients – maybe!).

So I have a new best friend commonly known as my VIP electronic cigarette. Started today, my heart’s not really into it, but my brain is telling me I have to do it. Not a good way to start, but I suppose I have to start somewhere. Aim is to use this wee crutch for a month or so and then wean off it. I used to love sucking and biting my pens as a kid in school – feels like that with the e-cigarette. I’m waiting on the E-ciggie V.O.6.17 version to come out – I believe it makes you coffee in the morning and pours you a nice glass of wine in the evening after work in addition to giving you a ridiculous hit of vapour at will. Sounds fab!

That’s all folks for the time being.. Will let you all know how Friday goes. We had a trip planned to Barcelona this weekend – a shopping trip to stock up for Christmas for the restaurant and a chance for Anna to see her family. It was booked well before we knew of any of these happenings. Funny to think. Anyway, we’ll see whether a runner after our mood on Friday morning. Maybe a couple of days away might be just what the doctor ordered – that’s if I’ve worked out my fitted string top / loose t-shirt ensemble by then!

Day 15 – on the mend

Well it’s been an interesting couple of days. I had all sorts of visions of being at home for the first time in 18 months pottering around the house, having house guests and generally being Lady of the Manor (well terrace). Not really the case to be honest.

Poor Anna came down with a horrible flu and throat number Tuesday night / Wednesday morning which meant she was in the doc today (finally!) for antibiotics and the rest – the kitchen counter is more like a pharmacy at the moment than anything else. This has meant I’m back to the phones and reservations sooner than we had expected. But remaining polite and calm (with most!).

I think Anna’s body was telling her to look after herself with the build-up to the last few weeks. So she is dosing herself now with all kinds of concoctions.

It has to be said – drugs are really great. We should all take great pride in the advancements achieved in medicine over the years. I always remember a great friend of ours in Barcelona (who is a surgeon), saying to us one time, “There’s no reason to be in pain, there are drugs for every type of pain. Sure that’s what years or research and advancement have achieved!” I’m so with her on that note. By the way, we were talking about period pain at that point! But how and ever!

I’ve had lots of people asking me how the pain is / was over the last few days. To be honest, I didn’t give it much chance to raise its head for the first 2 days – I was popping pills to wild abandon. But decided to pull back last night just to see how I was doing. A bit like when I used to play tennis as a kid – no point drugging yourself up and not knowing how bad you really were or what damage your were really doing.

Needless to say, I’m a lot better than I was 3 days ago. But the under the arm one is still needling away at me. As does the breast the odd time – so on lighter pills for time being, but managing it.

One side effect of the pills has been a pretty rough time with diarrhoea. Do you really want to know? Basically 4 hours on the toilet Wednesday night from 11pm-3am. I was thinking I could probably do a colonoscopy the next morning as I was so clear, but Netflix kept me company throughout. No we don’t have a TV in our bathroom, but if you sit right you can watch the TV in the bedroom! If ever designing your house – you should think of these things when deciding where the toilet should go. It was a great distraction.

I’m taking Super 8s at the moment to put all that great good bacteria back into my body after all these pills etc, but the girl in the shop sold me Arnica for healing. I think the jury is out on that at the moment, but if any of you know anything about it or think it’s worthwhile let me know.

We were told on leaving the hospital that I should avoid showering for 24 hrs or 48 hrs – dependent on who you were talking to. On the morning after the op when I woke up, I did one of those lovely body washes with face wipes (wasn’t really together enough to think that a face cloth would work better). But what was strange was washing off the ink or dye they brush on your body around the area they operate (only seen this on TV). My left arm and around my boob and neck were all orange – like a really bad fake tan. I was tempted to leave it for a day or so as made me look slightly healthier on that side of my body – in an orange-fake-tan kind of way!

After 3 nights of the sweats (even under normal circumstances my body temperature is always quite high in bed, but these last few nights a wee bit higher), I got to shower today. BLISS!! I have to say, I wouldn’t have approached me for any cuddles or kisses in the last few days!

It was difficult trying to avoid getting the bandages too wet. But so nice to have running water over me. The bandage under my arm came off, but I had a spare to use. I managed to peel the paper off the back and stick it on, but was thinking this is never going to work, it’s too fecking bulky and will be off in no time – until I realised I had to peel off the outer layer of paper once in place.. made quite a difference, also made me laugh on realising my blond moment (no offence to blonds, just something I slag my mother and Cailin over being blonds!).

I kind of avoided looking at the incision under my armpit – not too much study as I was on my own having the shower (as Anna was at the doctors) and didn’t really want to give myself the opportunity to get a bit woozy. Anyway it’s covered over with surface sutures (as well as dissolvable ones inside), so nothing really to see.

In a mad romantic gesture last July while Anna was away in Spain, I had the patio cleared of everything – plants, rubbish, the whole kit and caboodle – a surprise for her on her return as she thought I’d never do it – so we could start from scratch and design the patio together. Of course, with the lives we lead, we’ve looked at the empty space ever since and said “We must do that”.

So Mum and Dad arrived Wednesday night (under the cover of darkness) with plants for our patio out the back. Yes plants! Just some to tide us over for the winter to fill in the space a bit. Anyway, I had to insist that Mum couldn’t start planting in the pitch dark so they came back again yesterday and planted them – they look fab. Well actually Mum decided overnight they weren’t the right ones, so came back with different ones yesterday. Gotta love her for her persistent search for perfection as I know it’s where I get it from.

Paddy the pug came to visit yesterday too – I miss him to bits, but can’t have him over just yet as his preferred place to sleep, sit, watch TV, or simply daydream is basically on my breasts or snuggled up under my arm – so he’ll have to wait a few days before coming in.

I’m nearly finished series 2 of House of Cards and we finished Homeland last night, so on the prowl for other series to watch. I’ve also rediscovered that even if you pay a large sum of money for a beautiful looking couch, it doesn’t necessarily mean that’s it’s all that comfortable.

To those of you who have kindly offered to drop by over the last few days – thanks. Unfortunately I don’t think I would have been much company. And if I were to be honest, I’ve enjoyed having time to just collapse and do nothing. After 18 months of non-stop chatting and chit-chat (as we do in the restaurant) and being permanently surrounded by people, the quiet evenings on my own have been a little oasis of calm (although would have been more so if Anna was here).

Being back on the phones and emails for reservations means I’m coming back to reality a bit, so may hook-up over the weekend as the cabin fever may set in by then. It’s sometimes easier to just talk shite with strangers over the phone, then talk about what’s really going on. So apologies if I haven’t called back, but I will.

You probably won’t hear much from me between now and next week as will simply be taking it easy, but next Friday is D-Day for results from the op. So countdown to then.

On that note, I’ve found this blog a great way to keep me occupied during all this, but what has been lovely are the couple of messages I’ve received from women in the same boat and even one who only just found out, who have been reading my rants. In so many ways, I hope they find comfort and maybe a few laughs in similar situations here as they’re experiencing or have experienced their end. It’s so important to take the good with the bad. It’s the only way to keep sane.

Time to take a pill. Will write soon should anything wild and wonderful happen! Big kisses to you all.

Day 12 Tuesday – Op

The only time we’re ever up at 6am in the morning is either to catch a flight or go to bed. By the very nature of our work – we’re somewhat night owls to say the least. So we set every alarm in the house to ensure we woke up.

What a beautiful morning – an incredible dawn with stunning colours in the sky. So few cars on the road too, so it made for a lovely drive through Dublin to the hospital.

We headed straight for the ward to find that it was not only called “St. Marks’” but was also the sleep laboratory – this boded well!!

I was taken down to my ward by a nurse – Anna and Mum were left behind. There was a slight bit of confusion at first. All I was thinking is there’s no point in them staying out in the waiting area from 7.30am until 1pm (as the nurse said they could call back then and see how I was doing as they couldn’t come into the ward with me). I laughed and thought, you don’t know them. Needless to say, 10 mins later they were by my side.

I’ve discovered the check system. It’s quite amazing really:

1. Ward nurse sees you to your bed – asks you the usual questions about whether on any medication; false teeth; asthma; etc; etc; – ticks her form.
2. Doctor comes in to admit you – same form, asks exactly same questions and has her row of boxes to tick alongside the 1^st nurse’s; then you sign your life away on the admittance form.
3. Then I’m not too sure how many extra? I think I did the same form with the senior registrar outside operating theatre; anaesthetist nurse and senior anaesthetist as they were apologising that they had to ask again.

So definitely 5 times, maybe 6. Pretty amazing – I started to wonder whether it was to check if I gave the same answers each time – or whether they simply don’t trust one person to ask the questions once and for all to see. I was also asked about 4 times to assure them that it was my signature on the admittance form.. Hilarious – just to make sure they had the right person on the trolley I suppose.

Checks checks and more checks.

I kept getting messages from a few friends and family (you know who you are) joking about making sure they operate on the correct breast. No need to worry – the doctor who admitted me, asked which breast and drew an arrow on it – this arrow was checked another 4/5 times by varying doctors and surgeons. They also put your wrist bands on these days on the opposite side – so right wrist, as another precaution, which I later found can be a pain for the anaesthetist as they need to place their works on that side too. I kept thinking about my uncle Sean each and every time.

The nurse asked me had I any jewellery on – I had Goody’s wedding and engagement ring around my neck – I wear them every day as she keeps an eye on me that way. I thought I’d have to run out to give them to Anna and Mum, but the nurse said they could tape them to my fingers if I wanted. I thought that was a great omen.

The night before we opened Lola’s my Mum presented me with my grandmother’s wedding and engagement rings on a chain for around my neck (needless to say there were lots of tears at the time). Goody (as we used to call her) passed away when I was 8 years old (in and around). While I’ve never had a God on my side (as I simply don’t believe) I always have Goody. She was, and still is, the person I talk to when in need. The person I thank when things go right and the person I find comfort in when things don’t go so well (aside from Anna of course). But I suppose you could say she’s my Goddess of sorts. Since the day I received her rings I haven’t taken them off once as I believed she is always by my side. And today, the day of the op, I consciously left her chain on but left all other jewellery behind. I forgot about them until the nurse mentioned it and was so happy to be able to still wear them throughout the op.

I had two doctors tell me it was a simple procedure with a small incision and talked about aftercare for the small incision. I was a bit confused as a small incision I could understand if just taking out the lump (thinking of the amazing keyhole surgery they do these days), but I was told my nipple would be going too. At this point they had to double-check and that was the case. But I am one of the lucky ones that it was only my nipple and not more, so I suppose a small incision in comparison.

There was also a bit of confusion too at the start in the ward as they talked of the small incision to remove the lump, but I asked whether the larger “non-lump” was being removed too. As my understanding was that the large one obvious to the eye was no problem but there was the little 1.3cm one behind it that had to be removed. Thus 2 lumps… anyway, it took about an hour for this to be verified – it was essentially one in the same. But the little 1.3cm fella was attached to the larger one – or something along those lines. Needless to say it was all coming out!

At every opportunity with every nurse, doctor, whomever – I kept hinting at the fact (well actually demanding) large, copious amounts of drugs. I think they were probably wondering was I on something already!

In order to identify the right lymph node to remove they inject a “nuclear” ink (excuse my layman terms) – which is a crazy process – they make 4 injections around your nipple (which was quite painful to be honest, but took 20 seconds); you wait 40 mins; then they bring you in to what looks like an MRI machine and take a few photos – but these photos take a while, so I fell into a deep sleep on the machine…

While waiting the 40mins, a great friend Elena, who works in Vincent’s dropped by to say Hi. Spanish of course, with a name like that, but then we ended up chatting with another Spanish woman working there too – so a nice interlude while I was waiting for the photo shoot! Elena mentioned she had seen Anna and Mum downstairs in the café and was planning on dropping down – I laughed and warned her about my Mum – maybe not to tell her she was a pharmacist as my mother is a walking pharmacist, but not by trade, but by pure years of practice!! We laughed at the thought.

At this point I met Mr C – he was all decked out in his scrubs – have to say they looked good on him. I joked with him that he comes highly recommended, so no pressure. He assured me “Pressure is not something we do”. As if.

Eventually down to the operating theatre we go. Mr. C’s senior registrar came out to ask the “usual” questions, but turns out she knows me from Lola’s as a customer and neighbour to the restaurant. Then proceeded to check my breast for the “arrow” to make sure it was marked. I kept trying to clock her face as thought I’d better recognise her again if she comes into the restaurant!! But it was a fleeting meeting so unless she makes herself known to me I doubt I will. She did come round to me post-op but I have to admit I was a bit out of it so didn’t really get to clock her again – also called her by the wrong name – great start! But Anna assured me she clocked her so all good!

Any operating theatre I’ve ever been in has usually been a room with no windows. Not in Vincent’s. “Wow!” is all I can say. It was up on the 3^rd floor with a massive window running the entire width of the room with views over Dublin Bay, the sea and the chimneys. Absolutely beautiful – which I remarked on while they were moving me onto the operating table. It was bloody freezing though! I couldn’t understand how they could work in such cold conditions. They kept assuring me that they’d have blankets on me, etc, but I was more so looking at them in their short-sleeve scrubs and wondering how they can work in such cold conditions. Surely their hands would need to be warm to do the job they need to rather than freezing! Mad the things you think.

My anaesthetist arrived over and started to inject this little number into her works on my arm and said I’d feel a little sleepy. I said great and asked is this when I’m meant to start to count back from 10? I didn’t get the chance – gone like a light!

I have to apologies now for my grumpiness. When I came to, back in the ward, I wasn’t in a good place. The pain searing through my breast and under my armpit was excruciating. All I kept thinking was, it’s still daylight, why am I awake, in the hospital and in so much pain? Surely the drugs should have lasted longer to get me over this hump of pain? I was still all over the place from the anaesthetic, but managed to ask for painkillers.

The nurse came over with a pill for me to take.

I saw the pill was grey and orange in colour and thought, “that’s one of my favourite colour combinations” – again mad how the mind works!

I asked what it was and she said Oxycodone. I think but definitely an Oxy-something, which made me laugh. The nurse asked me why I was laughing and all I muttered was “ah my friend Aisling she was so right”.

Before heading into hospital this morning, Aisling had been sending me supportive messages from New York. One jokingly said make sure you get “Oxy”. I had asked did I really need something to clean my clothes at that point and Ais had joked that I better get into the lingo. As soon as the nurse mentioned Oxy-whatever, I knew I was in good hands for the pain. Well so I thought.

I drifted off I think for another while – not too long, but was woken again by the pain. To put it bluntly, it was like someone had a hot poker permanently inserted into my breast and was lighting a cigarette lighter under my arm – all at the same time. So more oxy came, and I lay there wide awake staring out the window feeling pretty indignant to say the least. I kept thinking why on earth am I awake for this pain? Shouldn’t I still be asleep?

They kicked Anna and Mum out of the ward as said I needed to sleep. I knew my poor Dad was out in the waiting room too – I explained that I was wide awake with the pain so no sleep happening and maybe I could just go home now – they brought some paracetemol at this stage and warned me that if the pain didn’t subside and I needed more Oxy, I’d have to stay in overnight. That was certainly not something I wanted to do. So I willed myself to sleep and in fairness fell into a deep one. But woke up a couple of hours later feeling rotten. But all I kept thinking is, “I’m not staying here overnight”. So I dressed myself and got ready to go. Had some coffee and toast, but my head was spinning.

Poor Sebastian and Elena had arrived to the hospital to see how I was doing. I could barely kiss them outside when getting into the car as all I was thinking of was dealing with the pain and nausea and making sure I was getting home and not staying overnight.

Annabanana brought me home and put me to bed where I conked for a while. I was annoyed with myself as I was just so angry earlier as felt I shouldn’t have had to feel that pain so soon and especially when in the hospital. Then I was annoyed at myself for being so grumpy and annoyed. So it was a kind of vicious circle to be honest. I can be a grumpy soul at the best of times, but normally I can be a hard old bird when it comes to pain and I suppose I had begged so often before the op to make sure they kept me dosed up and it just got to me. And that annoyed me – that it got to me! I wanted a lovely drugged awakening; drifting in and out of the stupor; but it unfortunately didn’t work out that way.

Then the hunger set in.. So we sat up with Homeland on Netflix and munched away on some of the lovely goodies we bought the day before. I know I was still under the influence of the drugs etc, but I suddenly thought, this is the last night Anna and myself will have with each other until next Monday as she’ll be working in Lola’s. So I wanted it to be as much like a normal date night we’d have together at home.

So Anna lit the fire and I sent her out to get a bottle of wine and some beers. Yes, I know I shouldn’t be drinking wine after such an op – but I wasn’t – it was simply a fregary (spelling?) I had to make the night like a normal date night. I sat with the glass of wine untouched beside me and Anna barely touched her beer. But it was more the ritual than anything else. The things you do! And the things Anna has to put up with from me!

Sleep wasn’t the easiest it has to be said – I couldn’t find the right position as I always sleep on my left side. I did wonder the odd time should I just get up and walk around, but it eventually came to me. I fell into a deep sleep around 8am and woke up Wednesday at 2pm feeling a lot more refreshed.

I suppose I was pretty upbeat about everything before going in for the op. What surprised me most was the bad mood I woke up in after it. And all down to pain relief. But now that I’m over that, I’m on the mend and that’s the main thing.

One of the docs mentioned yesterday that they took away quite a bit and would know after all the tests whether it was enough – well something along those lines I was pretty out of it. So I was intrigued what he meant by a bit (I chose not to think about the “enough” remark).

I had looked down while getting dressed in the hospital and thought it did look somewhat smaller but thought that was probably the bandage stretching it in a funny direction so I left looking at it until today. The only way I could describe it is if you remember (all you girlfriends out there) the “chicken fillets” that were once the rage for boosting your bust inside your bra? Well I’d basically need one of them to boost the left breast. So not a huge amount gone (as I am a lot luckier than others), but enough to notice when naked – of course the nipple too, but I haven’t seen that yet as the bandage is on.

I’ve been like a kid most of the day, having a little peek down at them in wonder. Like when you get your first bra. Funnily, that side of things is not bothering me (in comparison to the pain yesterday). I’m more so thinking, “Feck you! At least you’re out for the time being and hopefully for good!”

I have to say, every day I’ve been overwhelmed by the support received from all my friends and family, you’ve been fab to say the least! I’m a lucky woman – something I’ve known all along, but it takes something like this to only reinforce the knowledge that I’m blessed with the family and friends I have around me. Thanks guys – love you xxx

By the way, if someone can find another word other than “blessed” I’d love to hear it. Can I use “blessed” when not a religious bone in my body? If you’re blessed, is it only from God or can it be from another source? Just a thought to leave you all with. On the other hand, thank you so much to all of you who have had masses said for me. I do appreciate it and it’s comforting to know you all have me in your thoughts and prayers.

Day 11 Monday – the day before the op

This morning I got up with the full intention of getting the blog live before tomorrow’s op. But the list of things to do for work was a bit tedious to say the least. Why is it every time you’re “off” from work – whether a holiday or an op, you need to do the same amount of work for the time off in the one day before you head and probably the same again when you get back? Best make the most of the time off then!

But we did manage to go live (as many of you know already). The response has been quite overwhelming to be honest. Gotta say, I love you all – you’re all mad, but love you all the same!

This last week I asked myself quite often whether the blog was a good idea or not as some people might not get my humour. Then I realised, sure you all know me and understand my ways and means of getting something done or getting through something too. The words of encouragement and support have been fantastic. Thanks so much.

So back to today. I had a list to sort in town:

• Food for the house (always top of our list)
• Comfies for the house (as all mine are years old and if anyone visits I’d be morto)
• Diesel in the car and get a valet (latter don’t know why but today seemed like a good excuse)
• Then all sorted.. I think. Oh yeah, receptacle for my urine sample.. Very important.

But first-things-first. Hair removal or as Anna and myself call it, “time to de-bush” (you may not need to know that but how and ever). My body care has one rule and one rule only. If you get knocked down tomorrow and are in A&E, your underwear better be smashing and the legs/armpits/bikini line gorgeously smooth! So job done.

Next on list, food – sorted just check out the fridge – yes we like to eat!

Diesel? Check. Park in Drury Street car park – valet? Check – like a new car. Retail therapy? Major check. Met Mum and blitzed M&S (food) and Superdry (comfies).

Comfies only became an issue when my fab Mum arrived to the restaurant yesterday with a sexy negligée number for me (in my favourite colour for such items!!). Her intentions were right – with bandages on breast and arm pit, I’d need something easy to take on or off, but I had to laugh as all I could think is how cold the living room is unless I light a massive fire. So, it’s off to Superdry we go. Although Anna did like the negligée so maybe for another day!!

Vases? Yes vases as flowers are flying in.. not so check. Phonecall from Mum to Dad? Vases sorted all the way in from my parents’ house. Funny I was only moaning to Anna a few months back that we no longer buy flowers for the house (as we’re never there) and let’s put it this way, the flower sellers on Grafton Street not only know me by name, but know everything about me for the last 20 years. So I’ve been loving the scent on opening the front door to the house this last week. It makes me smile each time.

Delicious coffee and chocolates on the terrace of Butler’s with Mum in the sunshine? Check too.

Back to house and I went on a kind of binge sorting escapade. Things that I’ve just put on the long finger for quite some time (as never here), I thought, Jesus better sort now as I’m meant to take it easy over the coming days and I won’t be able to sit and look at these things.

So, weeds were pulled in the garden, bulbs changed in the ceiling; boxes moved to the “back room” (which is now a warehouse for restaurant). Ferried my Mum off with a broken light from the hall that has been that way for over a year. Logs, briquettes and the rest up beside the fire. I can feel a major filing spree happening this week as I look at all the paperwork piled high on our kitchen table. It won’t last long – the paperwork that is! My cabin fever will probably kick-in quite quick!

I’ve had quite a few fun messages from one or two today – you know who you are – about the drugs tomorrow. I hope they’re strong. For my sinus op last year I was begging them to let me sleep as they woke me to check if I was compos mentis. All I kept thinking is this is the nicest, deepest sleep I’ve had in ages. If I were to find something positive and something to look forward to tomorrow, it’ll be that sensation – just let me sleep.

Will sign-off as one other thing left on my list to sort – AppleTV in the living room – now that we are Netflix junkies…

Next time we’ll be on the other side and hopefully this little fecker will be out! Big kiss to you all and thanks so much again for today. You’re all fab!

Day 10 Sunday

Last night’s service before Tuesday’s op. Discovered today that I’ve been simply avoiding everyone I know re talking about it (apologies if you tried to call or drop in to chat). It’s been easier to just get on with work – chat to strangers in the restaurant and talk the talk with them as customers and non-committal. It’s not that I’m nervous, it’s more what can we do at this stage? All we can do is just get in there and take it out.

I did have a gorgeous meal at the end of service tonight in Lola’s, pulled the guilt trip on Sebastian and told him it was my last meal for at least a week here as would be at home.. So he sent out all my favourites, didn’t help my sleep though as such a full tummy. But delish!

Day 8 Friday

Had a voice message on my phone from Nurse C just checking in with me to make sure all ok – pretty impressed with the call to be honest. Then at 5.30pm when just kicking into service in the restaurant, I received a call from another woman from the hospital asking pre-op questions – the usual re if I’m on any medications; any asthma; am I sane; etc; etc. Seems I have to bring a urine sample on Tuesday and all I was thinking is what receptacle will I should use?

Today was the day I started to get this blog set-up. Betty was a Trojan helping me to get it up and running. We had thought we’d call it “Day 1” but that was taken as was “Day 1” in about another 5 languages as Betty tried – hilarious. We then decided to call it “dear breast”, but found that I couldn’t access the blog to update… so Betty talked me through it over the phone and hey presto, here we have it “My Darling Breast”.. you may see the look and feel of it change a few times as I find my way around wordpress, but it will give me something to do next week when off! Thanks Betty!

The things you think of.. I’m spending time wondering what to wear. Just realised that if they’re going in under my arm I won’t be able to wear the usual t-shirts I do slopping around the house. So just means I’ll have to go shopping. Any excuse.