In the summer of last year, I found a lump in my breast. It was a surface lump which didn’t worry me too much as it was obvious to the naked eye that it was there, so I simply thought it was potentially an ingrown hair that may have got infected (lovely).
Something you need to understand about me. I’m not someone to worry until I have to.. Do the tests, get the results and then, if it’s not good news, that may be the time to worry.
Last year that was the case. I visited St.Vincents, met the specialist, he had no real concern on our first meet. We had the mammogram and ultrasound done and yes, it was nothing to worry about – 2 cysts, one underneath that they drained on the spot, one above they called a “sebaceous cyst”. Nothing to worry about and we simply left it there (in retrospect I think my grandmother Goodie up above was watching over me at this stage.. leave it there!).
About 5 weeks ago (over a year later), I called the breast clinic in the hospital and requested a check-up. The sebaceous cyst had grown quite a bit – double in size. However, in my mind I had assumed (never assume as they say) that the cyst underneath had simply filled with fluid again and simply needed to be drained.
So in we went. We being my Mum and Anna by my side.
We opened Lola’s nearly 18 months ago now – since then I’ve been in hospital for the above cysts to be checked and also for a sinus op. As many of you already know, Anna and myself have been working 24/7 in Lolas (as it is a labour of love). But what has amused me most on my visits to the hospital is always having my mum by my side. The sinus wasn’t something to worry about, but Mum was there (12 hours by my side pre-op and post-op).. Why? Sure it was the only way we could get to spend time with each other outside of Lolas. Can’t beat a mother like that! The same has been the case with my breast. She has been there each and every time – we catch up in the waiting room on all the gossip! We laugh at the people who whisper, “that’s Las Tapas de Lola”.. we talk about what Mum has been up to, her friends, the clothes or bags or shoes she’s recently bought (which is usually a lot), stuff we used to meet for coffee about before or call each other 3 or 4 times a day about before opening Lola’s – it keeps us amused.
This time round, Anna came into the “check-up” with me with a lovely young handsome guy who checked it out. Having seen the size of it, he thought it best to bring in the big guns – Let’s call him Mr. C (excuse the pun, but that’s what we’re going to call my specialist). At the time, Mr. C arrived in – suit trousers; shirt & tie; no jacket; looking a bit rushed to say the least. I explained the history of the “cyst”, nearly being apologetic about being back as thinking probably lots of women out there who are in a greater need to be checked as in my head mine was simply something that needed to be drained, but it just didn’t look nice sitting on the surface of my breast beside my nipple.
He checked it out and said that was probably the case, but we should get another ultrasound done. In my naivety (and thinking I’m here already and we have a restaurant to run) I asked whether we could get that out of the way today as opposed to having to come back again. He explained no; that I would be sent a letter for an appointment within the next 2-3 weeks and another letter for a follow-up appointment for the results. According to Mr.C, I wasn’t on the “urgent” list as they keep that for women in real need.
So all good – not on the urgent list, thinking probably the fluid again – well that’s what I held on to.
One thing that amazes me is how this country’s medical system still functions. I’m not talking about the quality of the surgeons and doctors – I think we’re well covered there. I’m talking about the administration. I was in last year for check-ups / consultations / mammograms / ultrasounds, but on this return visit. It was like I was a new patient all over again. The questions I was asked and the forms I had to fill on arrival, I kept asking – do you not have my file there? The same on my first meeting with the handsome young doctor and Mr. C. I had to repeat last year’s story and explain exactly what was the case. All I kept thinking is in this day-and-age, can you not simply pull up my file and see my history? Do I have to keep repeating myself and filling out the same forms each time?
Then I remembered my Uncle Sean. Nearly 20 years ago I sat in on a couple of ops with my Uncle Sean (he was an orthopaedic surgeon at the top of his game). I always remember one such op that he blew a gasket over as he didn’t get to speak to the patient before they were anesthetised. I asked why it was so important. He simply said, “Vanessa, I always like to ask them (for example), “which knee are we operating on today?”, before the op, just in case”.
When I thought of Sean, I laughed and said to myself, this is probably the case.. checks, checks and more checks. But after having to fill out the same forms one week after the other before having an ultrasound, I did get a slight bit frustrated to say the least.
So the letters came in.. an appointment for the ultrasound (no mention of mammogram) for 2 weeks time on Monday 8th September and an appointment with Mr C on Wednesday 10th September to run through the results. Now last year, I didn’t have a follow-up appointment with the specialist, I simply did the ultrasound, they drained the cyst and away home I went. So something started to niggle in the back of my brain.
In I go for the ultrasound (more forms to fill). The radiographer was lovely and all the nurses fab. They have a certain element of underlying compassion that must come from years of dealing with people in for scans, etc and dealing with cancer. Anyway at this point I had nothing to worry about (in my head). The radiographer held my hand though while lying on the bed (me that is not the radiographer) and I laughed inside thinking, “Jesus the way she’s holding my hand it’s as if she’s about to deliver some bad news”, but she was only comforting me in case I was nervous about the ultrasound. Lovely woman.
She took a quick look and recommended I should have a mammogram done as it was over a year since the last one – so off I went and had it done, came back and she took a closer look with the ultrasound.
Well at first a different radiographer jumped in and started the ultrasound.. As she was sitting there looking – two nurses were lingering in the corner, she sighed and asked them what they wanted – a kind of exasperated sigh as if “why are you disturbing me?”, the nurse told here that Radiographer No. 1 was actually looking after me.. She stopped, looked at me and said something along the lines of “well I’ll stop then”. I laughed and said to her “You’ve been told, it’s nice to know there’s 2 of you fighting over me”. And we just laughed it off. Just one of those more surreal moments.
This time round, no fluids to drain and was one large “lump”, no longer what they would call a cyst. Instead she took 3 biopsies. That was not something I wanted to hear – all I was hoping for was more fluids to drain. But she did say it didn’t look abnormal and could be a papilloma. I kept repeating the word in my head and as soon as I saw my Mum outside I said “write it down before I forget”, so we could google it later. I kept thinking of Pamplona and the running of the bulls.
If you look it up – it’s not something to worry about – like a wart of sorts that usually appear under the nipple.
I asked would the results be ready for my appointment with Mr C in 2 days, she said no, that they’d change the appointment to Friday at 11.50am. So back to work I went having had a coffee with my Mum where I found it hard to chat as the niggling really started at the back of my head. Why no fluids? It’s a lump now not a cyst? What did that mean? But we kept assuring ourselves that it’s not the big lumps like mine obvious to the naked eye you had to worry about, it was those tiny ones so hard to find that were the worrying ones.. And as they kept telling me on each and every visit – I had very fibrous lumpy breasts (just like my Mum) so probably nothing to worry about.
But I did. For some reason I couldn’t get it out of my mind. I kept asking myself why? Why can I not stop thinking about it as in the past, I was the type who would just say, “grand, let’s not worry until there is something to worry about” but I did. Every waking moment I was thinking about it. Thinking stupid things. Thinking about work, about Anna, about my family, about Paddy. Stupid thoughts that really annoyed me as it wasn’t like me. I only had 4 days to wait I thought at the time. But for some reason, they were the longest 4 days of my life.
Work was a great way to distract myself, but I know I wasn’t 100% there.
Thursday came and I got a phonecall from one of the nurses. Could I come in at 9.30 instead of 11.50 the following morning – something to do with Mr C.’s schedule but all I was thinking is why have they got me coming in earlier? Work that night was a trial, but great not to be sitting around mopping and wondering. She said they have their regular Friday morning meetings to discuss patients and I would be seen after that.
My Darling Breast 